Gentlemen.
Fill me with barbecue sauce because I'm dumb as hell.
Yeah, I know, Javier.
Hey, Carl. Welcome to the barbecue.
Okay, Carl, look into the camera...
state your name, and what you like best about me.
Hey, zoom in on this. Happy Labor Day!
- That was our one balloon. - What do you got in there?
I need it in this cooler. My show's about to start.
You don't want to hang out? Look at what I got on the grill.
What the hell is that?
They're T-bones, Carl. Yeah, the "T" stands for "tofu".
Look at that cut of bean.
Okay, have a crappy weekend. Hope your house burns down.
Carl, wait a minute. Hang on, don't go. Look.
- I got the real meat right here. - All right, that's what I'm talking about!
- Where'd you get that? - At a farm.
Shake, it would take all day to smoke something that big.
Smoke it? What are you smoking?
'Cause I ain't slow-cooking jack. We're flash-frying this mother.
Carl, stand back.
Is that batter? That's batter.
- Carl, take it up. - With pleasure.
You take it up too high, how am I gonna inject the cheese?
- The cheese? - Yes!
What is that? Cheddar or Pepper Jack?
- Both. - You are the man!
There's pork in here, too.
See, I rolled it in ranch dressing and then I force-fed it to her.
How do you think she died? Natural causes?
All right, this is gonna be so good!
Y'all go on ahead and have your little heart attack.
Meatwad and I are gonna have us a healthy Labor Day, ain't that right?
Yeah, I'll do that when I'm dead.
- Inject me with some cheese. - Submerge!
It's gonna take a minute, Carl.
We just gotta hope that the bowels don't release after hitting the hot oil.
While we're waiting, does anybody want to throw the Frisbee?
- Here. Yeah, go long. - All right, I'm going long now.
- Little further. - How far? Over here?
- Little further. Okay, whoa. - All right, this is in the street now.
Here we go.
Oh, shoot! Almost.
I'll get the ladder.
She's ready. Quick, wipe the oil off before the udder...
- Great. - Hey, no harm, no foul.
- Plenty of cow left. - What are you gonna do with all that oil?
Well, I guess... Gee, what will we do with a vat of hot oil?
I'm gonna tip it over.
We're not doing that.
Look, relax. I am respectful of my Earth Mother.
- Now let's tip. - You're not doing that, Shake.
Look, that oil needs to be disposed of properly.
You know the river is over 2 miles from here?
The river is not where it goes.
They have special places to take this, and one is down the street.
Thank you, Stephanie. Why don't you go do your nails?
The men are eating.
Shake, I've given you a week.
I've been calm, I've been nice, I've been cool about this...
but I want that fryer out of there today!
Well, I'll do it...
but wait till Rampin Up 46 hears about this.
- Who's that? - Hello! The chat room? I have a life.
Hey, can I help you?
Yeah, you can help me pull this into your yard.
Frylock don't want it in ours anymore.
- No, we're not doing that. - Clearly, we were...
You see that large, bulbous gut you got?
Imagine it on the inside. It's filled with flash-fried cow and cheese.
All right!
I will help you and we will take it to...
you know, a proper recycling facility.
- Okay, you got that end? - Yeah.
Tip it over and run like hell.
Frigging illegal.
- Hey, where are you? - He did it!
Okay, fine. Yeah, run!
Who's gonna arrest me? The frigging trees?
Oh, God.
Wow, somebody should really get that.
Somebody.
I'll get it.
- You got it. Okay. - It's for you.
- What is this? - It's a summons, Shake.
I know. I'm not dumb.
- Can you read it to me, please? - I guess you did dump that oil after all.
Yes, I took care of it like you told me to.
- In the woods. - Come on, now.
- You don't know that. - Yeah, I do, because this is a ticket for it...
- from the woods. - From the woods?
Yeah, from the woods? What the hell...
- Have we always had this tree out here? - Yes.
I need to be more observant. My wife's always on my back about it.
Who is talking to you? Will you let us talk?
Now get the gasoline. It's blocking the yard.
Well, looks like you got another summons, Shake...
and this time it's for setting that big tree on fire.
Just incredible, isn't it?
I have yet to see a welfare check...
but this is my second summons in two days.
Your tax dollars at work, Frylock.
It also says here that you didn't appear at your court date yesterday...
- in the woods. - Come on, they got nothing on me.
What are they gonna do?
March down here and get me or something?
Yes.
- Why is it getting so dark out? - Oh, my God.
Me and my wife need to get out of here.
No, I'm too young!
Have you seen my wife?
- Shake, are you in there? - What are they gonna do to me?
- I wish I could tell you, but I don't know. - I don't care. It'll be fun to see.
I can't go to the big house. I'm not feeling too pretty.
They'll tear me up on the inside.
Is the defendant a juvenile?
Daddy, you're back from your business trip and you're sober.
Mommy moved to the city with Mommy's friend, Jerry...
and he tried to hit me, Daddy.
Not like you do. In an extra-mean way.
- How old is the defendant? - He's 21.
- Twenty-one? - Eighteen.
- How about 18? - Eighteen?
- No, wait, 16. - I think he's 16, okay?
We shall find his age. Cut him in half!
- Count his rings! - Okay, I'm an adult!
- It's fine. - Can I get you to sign this sheet?
Sign it? The sheet's already full... of hair.
All right, I'll get another one.
You're not gonna do this. Don't do it. No! Oh, God!
- That hurts so bad. - Here, sign this sheet.
- Anywhere or... - Not on the hair.
Look at me! They've been using me as a Post-it note.
- Frylock, you got to get me out of here. - Get us both out of here! Come on.
Wood court is now in session.
If you do not have a lawyer, this shrub will be appointed for you.
Guilty! My clients plead guilty!
Shut up! He's my lawyer.
Frylock, help. You gotta help me.
All right. I want to know the truth, though. Did you do this?
Frylock, come on. You know me. How long have we known each other?
You did it.
Of course. But listen, the point is that they don't know that.
They can't prove it. They're frigging trees.
Please note Exhibit A on the wooden video.
You will clearly see the accused dumping the oil.
Look at that.
Frylock, I'm telling you, that's not me in that video...
'cause that's nothing. There's nothing up there!
What the hell... This is bark.
Silence! Exhibit B.
Advance the wooden video to the accused setting fire to Big Ralph.
Guilty as sin.
- His name was Ralph? - Shut up, Shake.
If it would please the court, my client would like to...
- He's guilty! - Man, what is that called?
- You're guilty! - He's guilty.
- Just say you're guilty. - No, not that.
What do you... Something else.
- It's, "Go to tree jail". - It's tree jail for you.
No, not that. Look, what do you call it...
- when he wants to get out of this? - That's the sweet release of death.
Yeah, evisceration by a thousand branches of a mighty oak.
- Guilty. - Guilty.
Okay, can I have...
Can we do a conference or something?
I think we need to hire another lawyer here.
Typical. Filthy humans.
- You have no respect for us trees. - He ripped my arms off!
- Shut up. I didn't rip them. - Shake, you're making it worse.
Go back to your strip malls where values are king.
Look, how do I just say, "They did it, but they're sorry"?
Hang on. Have you ever done it before?
- I don't know. - I've been on the bench for 100 years.
- I'm not gonna look stupid, Ray. - We know you've been there 100 years.
- We all know that. - Well, look it up.
Like, no. You look it up. You go get the book.
I'm tired of getting the book. I always have to get it.
Okay, we don't know.
We're trees.
Wait.
- Did he say that he did it? - You did say that they did it?
- They're sorry, but they did it. - No.
- You said they did it. - Not exactly.
Court stenographer, please read the minutes back to me.
So I'm now the stenographer. When did that happen?
All right, hold on. I'll play it like I am.
- Come here. - No need to tear it off to read it.
Hang on. I think it's on the front.
Would you check it again, before you...
Wait. It was on the back.
- Don't do... - Here we are.
I didn't write anything down. I just drew some stuff.
Look, I found the book, okay?
And it says right here on Page 53...
Paper! Made from trees!
- Seize him! - Seize him.
Come on, let's go!
Mighty greedy there, Matlock.
Nice of you to wait until now to do that.
You know, you're lucky trees are so stupid.
You're both guilty as hell. You know that.
Frylock, that was never proven in the wood court.
We are gonna find the real person who did this.
And I am on a quest...
to find the person that did...
What, are you highballing us?
I said I want it level. I don't want a ramp.
Get working, turkey. Come on.
And level. Level.
- Who's paying for all this? - Get in the closet. Hit the lights.